plot-hole

(n): like an open pot-hole, but within a plot. since i work in publishing, this is like my new favorite word.

example: "the manuscript was OK, except for the giant plot-hole in chapter 4."

theorette

(n): something that is proposed as a valid theory, but is really just a piece of bullshit.

as seen in a comment to this article on the new freakonomics book (and why it sucks).

grad school

(n): an institution where you get to enjoy the fantasy of a great career for a few years, only to be released into soul-crushing labor to pay off your student debt for the rest of your life.

Michael Moore got into this in Sicko, showing how student debt was like the need for insurance in that it ties you to the capitalist work system until you die.

Apparently there was a Marxist academic who wrote about this and spoke about it at Duke last year. He argued that grad school gets most people nowhere now, esp. in the humanities and social sciences, but increasingly in the hard sciences. It just serves as a pool of cheap labor for research institutions, and most people's research lives end with graduation.

phantom relationship pain

(n): what happens when a relationship is no longer there and all you can feel is the heartcrunching pain from where it once was.

passivist

(n): someone whose relationship with politics is primarily passive, except for the one day every four years they go out to vote. derived from the term "activist." not to be confused with "pacifist."

(first new post in years) alcoholic

adjective, noun. The term "alcoholic" used to refer to individuals with an uncontrollable psychological attraction to alcohol. now it refers to a lifestyle of self-imposed substance abuse common amongst hip kids. may be related to ennui and existential angst more generally. social types associated with the new hip alcoholism include the alcoholic artist, alcoholic musician, alcoholic punk, alcoholic academic, and of course the alcoholic no-good-d0-nothing.

business school

noun, institution. where capitalists go to church.

itemize

verb. to become a couple.

extracurricular ass

noun. refers to infidelity.

thanks for this definition, steven.

supermodel mom

noun. social type. supermodel (or super-actress) turned mom. a current media obsession. though coverage of the phenomenon claims to be affirming of motherhood more generally, in reality it raises the bar for mothers everywhere. also, journalism devoted to supermodel moms often has a moralistic tone, a la "she quit drugs, settled down, had babies! yay!" Just see this article about a supermodel who gave up her career AND drugs to take care of her kids. She wakes up at 4 to take care of her puppy and prepare breakfast for her twin boys... is that really necesssary?

collective

noun. If you are still working for a company, firm, enterprise, or small business, you are behind the times. everyone who is anyone is working in a "collective." most commonly used in the arts, humanities, and publishing, but also occasionally found in business contexts. e.g. a collective of performance artists/feminist 6th century Hungary scholars/t-shirt makers.

administratrix

noun. just sounds so much hotter than administrator... of anything.

Source: p.24 of the Village Voice, July 12-18.

Similar term(s): coordinatrix, secretator

omnivore

noun. best described by David E. Cooper in the Times Literary Supplement: "'There is a dark side to this ability of human beings to eat anything,' DEC on the anxieties that separate omnivores from the Panda."

This is front page news in the TLS.

nerd on nerd action

noun. when two bespectacled individuals get down, intellectual intercourse style.

children

noun, pl.
1) The postmodern man's worst nightmare.
2) The least hip thing that can happen to a person.
3) A frightening glimmer of the future.
4) The only upper middle class people who are still free from a bourgeois preoccupation with existential angst.

god

noun.

1) a cognitive artifact people use to cope with their existential reality. without such, people would have to come up with a reason to live grounded in everyday experience, and that really isn't good enough for this species. never will we be content to graze on the grass like so many rabbits.

2) a figment of the collective unconscious.

3) also conveniently used to explain away the unexplainable and account for the shortcomings of science. this usage is as old as human history.

the utopian space of the printed page

noun. in other words, you can make anything happen on paper, whether or not it has any connection with reality. more optomistically, you can put opposing or complementary forces together in this synthetic environment and argue about what would happen. more pessimistically, you can theorize about things without the danger of them actually happening.

s/he didn't get the memo

expression. catch all phrase for being on the wrong page, metaphorically speaking.

urban dorms

noun (pl). New Yorkers finally get honest about their housing arrangements. Involves priveleged young professionals realizing that homeownership really is a myth for most people.

Courtesy of the New York Times: Out of College but Now Living in Urban Dorms

reward systems

noun (pl). a carefully engineered technology. an unfortunate necessity of a productive capitalist economy. see also cruel and unusual compensation.

pop dropper

noun. sociological type.

someone who drops obscure "popular" culture (read: not scholarly) references into conversations even though no one else will understand. riddle me this, riddle me that... what oh what could this form of communication be? see also this term.

slackerati

noun. sociological type. the underemployed, overeducated, disaffected, aging youths. aka the unter_intelligentsia.

adderall, dexedrine, amphetamine...

noun. complete nutrition for the postmodern life in two convenient ten milligram tablets per day! never worry about something as petty as eating again! [some hallucinations may occur]

emotional unavailability

noun. a hallmark symptom of the "postmodern condition." experienced by approximately 70% of the afflicted. Ironically (oh yeah, I said the I-word), emotional unavailability is often accompanied by profound loneliness, fears of dying alone, a sense of unloveability, and a desperate desire to connect with anyone in some real way. verbal claims of self-loathing may be used by the sufferer to avoid seeming narcissistic.

how clever of postmodernity to throw this one at us. so paradoxically cool.

existential dysphoria (ED)

noun. a mental issue that should be proposed for the next edition of the diagnostic and statistical manual of psychological disorders. refers to the state of not-knowing-what-the-fuck-to-do-with-life-or-what-life-is, and is often uncompanied by distressing feelings of meaninglessness. ED is commonly found in twentysomethings, but can affect an individual at any life stage; the rate of ED in children is rising at an alarming rate. ED can trigger any number of existing disorders from panic attacks to depression to mania, making an "issue" the appropriate category. Existential dysphoria is NOT to be confused with the other ED, erectile dysfunction, though it is rumored that the two are comorbid in 2% of the population. and if that's you, yes, you are a freak. the authorities say so.

comparison shopping

verb. though most commonly used to describe the rational decision making behavior of well-educated, middle/upper middle/upper class consumers, comparison shopping is now quite applicable to relationships and sex partners. everyone is driving each other around the block a few times, going to multiple dealerships, weighing the pros and cons, and ending up disappointed and regretful regardless of what is purchased.

barry schwartz covers the affective side effects of this behavior (however briefly) in "The Paradox of Choice." When you have (or choose to have, i.e. consider) many options, you are almost always dissatisfied in some way because you can always regret all the things you didn't get. as # of potential partners reaches infinity, amount of regret also approaches infinity.

then there's always the element that this is human comparison shopping, evaluating hearts, bodies, and minds in some sort of sick-o virtual pageant. and the fact that you're always being compared to other options by the people you are considering. at least when it's where to go for lunch, one lunch can't get mad at you for choosing another.

this sounds depressing but there is an uplifting moral to the story: happy are those with low expectations, who are easily satiated, and who can commit. i know, it sounds radical, but it might actually make you happier to stop shopping. and your friends will appreciate the declining trend in your interpersonal drama graph.

everybody trans now!!!

statement/rally call. the anarchoqueer cheer. if you aren't changing genders or transcending gender, you are really not for the cause. if you are enjoying your gender in any way, regardless of the phase, you are a failure as a cultural critic. if you ever had the sneaking feeling that genetalia and hormones might, in some small way, influence the way someone thinks about gender, you should shoot yourself now.

self-styled orphan/sso

noun/social type. people over the age of 18 who can't rely on their parents to take care of them but refuse to take care of themselves, unquestioningly citing incapability as the reason.

performing productivity

verb. the actual, honest description of about 90% of office jobs.

go out-make out-luck out-get out

verb/process. a description of the postmodern affective/sexual relationship from start to finish. should occur in one night. also known as the story of my life. the more hip, more postmodern "wham bam thank you ma'am."

c/o cathleen and i at ocsc, carrboro, 7/11/06.

explicate the text

verb. something academics must constantly do because they refuse to write accessibly in the first place, which would make it apparent that they aren't any more special than anyone else.

rtp trash

noun/sociological type. you know who they are. these are the cocky rich young businesspeople and scientists that (over)populate the triangle, contribute to massive (sub)urban sprawl (seeing as the suburbs are far larger than the urbs these days), drive SUVs or yellow sports cars, have motorola bluetooth headsets permanently implanted into their ears, and reproduce like rabbits with the spouses they never see. these children are the future chapel hill high drug users, goths, sex addicts, and other horrible disappointments (we gave you everything and you go goth on us!). can be found dragging their kids to endless soccer camps, voice lessons, AP class tutoring for middle schoolers, etc. also tend to show up in places where they don't seem to fit in, either completely oblivious to the mismatch or seemingly panicked, i.e. ending up at weaver street market instead of whole foods, taking wife to Lantern* without realizing the mistress works there, etc.

*Not that anyone's mistress works at Lantern. I just had to pick somehwere hip.

swedophile

noun/sociological type. an individual infatuated with swedish culture in particular or northern europe more generally. may involve abba, ikea, saabs, or princess madeleine.

courtesy of camera obscura, cat's cradle show, carrboro, NC 7/11/06.

warm up relationship

noun/social interaction type. the long term relationships that you have that won't really lead to marriage, but simulate it so that you'll be "ready" when the time comes. sometimes a warm up can lead to nuptuals, in which case the partner becomes a "starter husband/wife" and the relationship is known as a "first marriage." a consequence of american serial monogamy.

sugargrandaddy

noun. used to describe a sugardaddy who is a little too old. think anna nicole or the washingtonienne.